Wickedly Humorous #Vampire for #WickedWednesday by R E Mullins

WICKED WEDNESDAY

You really will get a kick out of this post. Not only did Robin write an amusing and wickedly fun post, but she has something free for you! Be sure to comment and win!

    

Hi! R. E. Mullins here! First of all, I want to give a quick and hearty thanks to Brenda for asking me to guest host on her Discovery Blog today. I’ve written a series of novels and a couple of novellas in the vampire/romance/paranormal genre.

I selected Wicked Wednesday for my spot because the idea of writing about something wicked intrigued me. Then I was stumped. For weeks now I’ve been mentally, reviewing everything I’ve ever written looking for something that fit the bill.

Inspiration finally struck on my mother’s 95^th birthday. As my sisters and I sat with her (all appropriately masked and distanced) we shouted at each other so Mom could hear us. She’s a little bit deaf, refuses to wear her hearing aids, and depends A LOT on lip reading. Anyway, we got to talking about motherhood as it’s another bond we all shared.

That’s when it hit me. Although several of my villains certainly qualify as wickedly evil and some of my characters could be considered wickedly handsome/beautiful…or if your sense of humor is slightly off, you might find some of my scenes and characters humorous…

I suddenly knew I had to use an excerpt from my novella, Diaper Duty Vampire. Why? Because I found it so wickedly fun to write. I hope you find it equally fun to read.

In fact, I’m so sure you’ll be able to connect with what John goes through that I’m asking you to leave a comment. Let me know how/if the scene strikes a chord with you or simply give it an ‘ick’ factor. Later, I’ll select a couple of the comments and send them either a copy of the novella or one of my t-shirts featuring my logo or book covers.

Here’s a quick set-up.

In 1864, while serving in the Union army, our fearless soldier, John Alden was turned into a vampire. Though slow to adjust to his new undead life, over time, he’s become a respected and tough Nosferatu Enforcer. Currently, he’s spending the majority of his time fighting off rival vampires from the Toltec faction.

Yet, this often feared vamp finds himself completely unnerved to be suddenly at the mercy of a human toddler. Of course, John’s seen the little critters before, but always from a safe distance.

Cody seems hell-bent on busting John’s overly sensitive vampire eardrums as he screams out his displeasure. He wants his missing mama and there’s no two ways about it. First he head-butts the hapless vampire, and it hurts. Then he swipes a copious amount of yellow snot all over John’s black Enforcement Agency shirt before biting him right through the cloth over his left nipple. Already brought to his knees by the pint-sized sadist, the feared Enforcer is then hit with another challenge—one more dire than any he’s ever faced before.

     

It’s a test he’s not sure he can pass.

He must go inside a Wal-Mart to purchase a carseat. Carrying Cody on his hip, he has no clue he’s holding a ticking stink bomb. No, John never once suspects there’s a reason for the kid’s sudden docility. He’s even naively pleased that the little guy is no longer crying. Then an unspeakably foul odor hits his extra sharp sense of smell. This is quickly followed by a growing sensation of warmth along his side. Easing Cody away from his body, the big vampire involuntary shudders at the sight of a brown spot spreading over his coat. The stench, the sight, and the wet feeling makes his hardened gut roil.

Now rushing through the store, John feels his heart drop as he realizes he’s going to need a lot more than a carseat…

Excerpt from Diaper Duty Vampire

                                                ****

      “Four hundred and fifty-three dollars?” He echoed stupidly.

      The checkout clerk offered a nervous little smile. “And 89 cents. Ye-yes, sir,” she stammered, body cringing involuntarily. Of course, he didn’t know if she was recoiling because she feared he was going to yell or if it was the noxious scent rolling off him and his small associate.

      Regardless, it wasn’t her fault. He was shocked at himself. Frugal by nature, John never suspected he would suddenly develop shopping control issues when confronted by the kiddie department. What the hell had he bought? Bewilderment made his brain sluggish as he beheld all the white bagged items crammed every which way into his cart. He remembered the cool looking steering wheel which could be mounted right on Cody’s new car seat.

      There was also a brightly colored plastic truck, several plush toys—the Tickle Me Elmo was cute as hell. In honor of the now demised kitty blanket, it was also tainted with runny stool and needed to be burnt; he’d picked out a sturdy picture book with fuzzy kittens on the cover.

      Then there’d been that mesmerizing thing that played lullabies while soothing images scrolled across a plexiglass screen. And…and too much more to count.

      But the crowning touch was perched high on top of everything else. In his defense, he didn’t know how anyone could have resisted the almost life-sized pony complete with bridle, saddle, and a walking handle in the back. The brightly colored cardboard tag called it a push-pull-ride toy. Looking at the picture had inspired him to hunt out the obligatory cowboy hat and shiny, silver, star-shaped badge.

      Now Cody would match the kid in the photograph, and, well, because, it seemed stupid to have the horse without the necessary accruements.

      Shutting his mouth which, to his embarrassment, had been stupidly hanging ajar, he quietly stuck his credit card in the reader.

      Back at the SUV, he unloaded everything but Cody. Leaving him in the basket with his foot hooked around the bottom of the cart, he opened boxes and removed tags from the clothing they would use right then. Quickly, he took off his jack and changed his shirt out for another black tee. Stuffing, the soiled items into one of the empty plastic bags. He wanted to shuck his jeans right then and there, but propriety held him back.

      John also understood he was procrastinating. Absolutely no way did he want to undertake the next task. The one last, awful mission that needed to be faced before they could get on the road. Before that stinky little butt could be dressed in a clean outfit and plopped in its brand new car seat, John was going to have to tackle the diaper from hell.

      He wasn’t sure how but it was even worse than he’d imagined, and he’d imagined a lot. Both horrified and impressed in equal measure, all he could do was swear in awe-struck accents, “What the hell have they been feeding you?”

      Watery and chunky all at once, stool smeared up the boy’s back and down both legs right to the soles of his feet. Although John couldn’t have explained why, the sight, somehow, made the smell worse. However, the noxious odor combined with slimy texture caused the hardened vampire’s stomach to heave. For his part, Cody was happily kicking his legs, reveling in his nudity. Then before John knew what he was about, he plunged a hand down into the goop and promptly smeared crap on the side of his head.

      “Good God, kid, don’t do that,” John started to gag. “It’s just wrong. No one should have to deal with this,” he muttered sounding a bit crazed to his own ears. “I deserve combat pay.”     

      Cody waved his hand, flipping a bit of poop on John’s new shirt. “Thit,” he eloquently observed.

                                                       ****

I hope you enjoyed this peek into Diaper Duty Vampire, the novella that comes at the end of my vampire/paranormal/romance series featuring The BlautsuagersofAmber Heights and starts The Vampires of Amber Heights series.

My books can be purchased in paperback, ebook, and audio at Amazon or other online book outlets.

You can also keep in touch with me at my website: remullins Come see what I’m working on, read short stories, and more.

Finally, there are two good reasons to leave a comment about my guest post today. One. It will encourage Brenda to host me again.

And, secondly, don’t forget I will randomly choose a couple of commenters. They will receive a T-shirt—made of comfortable fabric that washes well and retains their shape—or an ebook copy of Diaper Duty Vampire.

Thanks for reading!!

R. E. Mullins