WICKED WEDNESDAY
You really will get a kick out of this post. Not only did Robin write an amusing and wickedly fun post, but she has something free for you! Be sure to comment and win!
Hi! R. E. Mullins here! First of
all, I want to give a quick and hearty thanks to Brenda for asking me to guest host
on her Discovery Blog today. I’ve written a series of novels and a couple of
novellas in the vampire/romance/paranormal genre.
I selected Wicked Wednesday for
my spot because the idea of writing about something wicked intrigued me. Then I
was stumped. For weeks now I’ve been mentally, reviewing everything I’ve ever
written looking for something that fit the bill.
Inspiration finally struck on my
mother’s 95th birthday. As my sisters and I sat with her (all
appropriately masked and distanced) we shouted at each other so Mom could hear
us. She’s a little bit deaf, refuses to wear her hearing aids, and depends A
LOT on lip reading. Anyway, we got to talking about motherhood as it’s another
bond we all shared.
That’s when it hit me. Although several
of my villains certainly qualify as wickedly evil and some of my characters could
be considered wickedly handsome/beautiful…or if your sense of humor is slightly
off, you might find some of my scenes and characters humorous…
I suddenly knew I had to use an excerpt from
my novella, Diaper Duty Vampire. Why? Because I found it so wickedly fun
to write. I hope you find it equally fun to read.
In fact, I’m so sure you’ll be able
to connect with what John goes through that I’m asking you to leave a comment.
Let me know how/if the scene strikes a chord with you or simply give it an
‘ick’ factor. Later, I’ll select a couple of the comments and send them either
a copy of the novella or one of my t-shirts featuring my logo or book covers.
Here’s a quick set-up.
In 1864, while
serving in the Union army, our fearless soldier, John Alden was turned into a
vampire. Though slow to adjust to his new undead life, over time, he’s become a
respected and tough Nosferatu Enforcer. Currently, he’s spending the majority
of his time fighting off rival vampires from the Toltec faction.
Yet, this often feared vamp finds himself completely unnerved
to be suddenly at the mercy of a human toddler. Of course, John’s seen the
little critters before, but always from a safe distance.
Cody seems hell-bent on busting John’s overly sensitive
vampire eardrums as he screams out his displeasure. He wants his missing mama
and there’s no two ways about it. First he head-butts the hapless vampire, and
it hurts. Then he swipes a copious amount of yellow snot all over John’s black
Enforcement Agency shirt before biting him right through the cloth over his
left nipple. Already brought to his knees by the pint-sized sadist, the feared
Enforcer is then hit with another challenge—one more dire than any he’s ever
faced before.
It’s a test he’s not sure he can pass.
He must go inside a Wal-Mart to purchase a carseat. Carrying Cody
on his hip, he has no clue he’s holding a ticking stink bomb. No, John never
once suspects there’s a reason for the kid’s sudden docility. He’s even naively
pleased that the little guy is no longer crying. Then an unspeakably foul odor
hits his extra sharp sense of smell. This is quickly followed by a growing
sensation of warmth along his side. Easing Cody away from his body, the big
vampire involuntary shudders at the sight of a brown spot spreading over his
coat. The stench, the sight, and the wet feeling makes his hardened gut roil.
Now rushing through the store, John feels his heart drop as
he realizes he’s going to need a lot more than a carseat…
Excerpt from Diaper Duty Vampire
****
“Four hundred and
fifty-three dollars?” He echoed stupidly.
The
checkout clerk offered a nervous little smile. “And 89 cents. Ye-yes, sir,” she
stammered, body cringing involuntarily. Of course, he didn’t know if she was
recoiling because she feared he was going to yell or if it was the noxious
scent rolling off him and his small associate.
Regardless,
it wasn’t her fault. He was shocked at himself. Frugal by nature, John never
suspected he would suddenly develop shopping control issues when confronted by
the kiddie department. What the hell had he bought? Bewilderment made his brain
sluggish as he beheld all the white bagged items crammed every which way into
his cart. He remembered the cool looking steering wheel which could be mounted
right on Cody’s new car seat.
There
was also a brightly colored plastic truck, several plush toys—the Tickle Me
Elmo was cute as hell. In honor of the now demised kitty blanket, it was also
tainted with runny stool and needed to be burnt; he’d picked out a sturdy
picture book with fuzzy kittens on the cover.
Then
there’d been that mesmerizing thing that played lullabies while soothing images
scrolled across a plexiglass screen. And…and too much more to count.
But
the crowning touch was perched high on top of everything else. In his defense,
he didn’t know how anyone could have resisted the almost life-sized pony
complete with bridle, saddle, and a walking handle in the back. The brightly
colored cardboard tag called it a push-pull-ride toy. Looking at the picture
had inspired him to hunt out the obligatory cowboy hat and shiny, silver,
star-shaped badge.
Now
Cody would match the kid in the photograph, and, well, because, it seemed
stupid to have the horse without the necessary accruements.
Shutting
his mouth which, to his embarrassment, had been stupidly hanging ajar, he
quietly stuck his credit card in the reader.
Back
at the SUV, he unloaded everything but Cody. Leaving him in the basket with his
foot hooked around the bottom of the cart, he opened boxes and removed tags
from the clothing they would use right then. Quickly, he took off his jack and
changed his shirt out for another black tee. Stuffing, the soiled items into
one of the empty plastic bags. He wanted to shuck his jeans right then and
there, but propriety held him back.
John
also understood he was procrastinating. Absolutely no way did he want to
undertake the next task. The one last, awful mission that needed to be faced
before they could get on the road. Before that stinky little butt could be
dressed in a clean outfit and plopped in its brand new car seat, John was going
to have to tackle the diaper from hell.
He
wasn’t sure how but it was even worse than he’d imagined, and he’d imagined a
lot. Both horrified and impressed in equal measure, all he could do was swear
in awe-struck accents, “What the hell have they been feeding you?”
Watery
and chunky all at once, stool smeared up the boy’s back and down both legs
right to the soles of his feet. Although John couldn’t have explained why, the
sight, somehow, made the smell worse. However, the noxious odor combined with
slimy texture caused the hardened vampire’s stomach to heave. For his part,
Cody was happily kicking his legs, reveling in his nudity. Then before John
knew what he was about, he plunged a hand down into the goop and promptly
smeared crap on the side of his head.
“Good
God, kid, don’t do that,” John started to gag. “It’s just wrong. No one should
have to deal with this,” he muttered sounding a bit crazed to his own ears. “I
deserve combat pay.”
Cody
waved his hand, flipping a bit of poop on John’s new shirt. “Thit,” he
eloquently observed.
****
I hope you enjoyed this peek into Diaper
Duty Vampire, the novella that comes at the end of my
vampire/paranormal/romance series featuring The BlautsuagersofAmber Heights
and starts The Vampires of Amber Heights series.
My books can be purchased in
paperback, ebook, and audio at Amazon
or other online book outlets.
You can also keep in touch with me at
my website: remullins Come
see what I’m working on, read short stories, and more.
Finally, there are two good reasons
to leave a comment about my guest post today. One. It will encourage Brenda to
host me again.
And, secondly, don’t forget I will
randomly choose a couple of commenters. They will receive a T-shirt—made of
comfortable fabric that washes well and retains their shape—or an ebook copy of
Diaper Duty Vampire.
Thanks for reading!!
R. E. Mullins
